How to Suck at Updating Your Blog

Dogs who Blog

In honor of my dismal behavior these past few months, I have compiled a simple “How To” that would rival any posts from Problogger. Are you a blogger who wants to suck at updating? Then this is the post for you.

1. Keep a document called “Article Ideas” in your blog folder.

Look at it every few weeks. Occasionally update it with titles like “Why I’m Tired of Hearing about 20-Somethings on the Internet” and “Why Stressful TV is Good TV.” Never open a new document to actually write the articles, which would have to live up to such awesome titles.

2. Recycle articles written for other publications.

Act like you’re doing a great job, because the people who follow your blog will read anything, those mindless idiots. Lose followers because your content is shit (and you insulted your readers!).

3. Start whining that there’s no point in updating your blog because your photos are crap.

I mean, who wants to see your Kodak camera’s dark, grainy pictures? Spend hours researching DSLRs. Realize that option is too expensive, then spend weeks considering whether it’s worth it to buy RadLab.

4. Migrate from Google Reader to Feedly.

Personalize the settings. Throw all your favorite blogs into categories. Start reading the 150 posts that have accumulated in the time you’ve done that.

5. Get inspiration from other blogs.

Especially blogs about blogging. Read 5 articles about how Pinterest can generate interest in your blog. But you don’t have a Pinterest! Make a new account, download the app, and then get totally overwhelmed by the amount of DIY recipes there are. That’s not what you post. Do you need to change your content? Break down until your roommate calmly pats you on the back and says that she doesn’t use Pinterest either.

6. Keep an article idea on your to-do list.

Every day, change the deadline to that afternoon. It’s definitely going to happen today. You can feel it. In fact, you’ve already got a blank Word doc open. Your roommates are quiet, your laptop’s charged and you’re ready to – Oh, it’s your turn on Draw Something. And someone just sent you a SnapChat! She’s hilarious. You should send one back…

7. Schedule time on your Google Calendar to update your blog once a week.

Use that time to watch 30 Rock from start to finish instead.

8. Fall to your knees, pull out your hair and scream in agony when you realize that, because you’re not updating your blog, the Internet people who love you can’t read your hilarious and witty quips.

Then realize that you have a Twitter.

9. Watch a TV show for the sole purpose of reviewing it for your blog.

Realize it’s an hour-long show and there are 9 seasons, so yeah, it’s going to take a while.

10. Take blogging too seriously.

Worry about your wording, what your friends and family will think, what creepers out there are actually reading your content (thank you creepers!) and how – if you choose to – you’re ever going to monetize your blog. Wonder how you can make it better, and look into new layouts, new servers, new better-looking doppelgangers who can smile in your header. Realize you’re taking it too seriously. For your sanity, you should take a break.

Seriously, though. I’m hoping the fact that this was actually published is a breakthrough for me. This is obviously a joke post, but also a new launch for me. I’ll hopefully be updating more often on here!

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