How to Become a Wizard

  1. You Need a Wand. The wand is an extension of the self. If you don’t have a wand, you’re not a wizard, and I say “Hogwash!” to anyone who disagrees. Luckily, you don’t need to deplete your small source of money (sadly, as a wizard in this day and age, your income will be fairly low according to this article) to obtain said wand. Just take a walk in your back yard! Any old stick will do. Preferably you should choose a stick that’s been recently mangled by your neighboring coyote, or one that your dog gnaws on. If you don’t have a backyard, go to a park and find a twig there.
  2. Be One with the Wand. Now, you must learn incantations. Read A Standard Book of Spells. Wave your stick around a lot in various swishes and flicks.  Practice spells on your parents. Example: When your mom asks you to do the dishes, say “Antonio Banderas!” and she will never ask you for help again. When you feel sufficient in beginner’s sorcery, start to learn more advanced spells. Dabble in dark magic because hey, you’re worth it.
  3. Change your style. Only wear robes. Bath robes will work. While you’re walking around in your furry pink bathrobe, think about adding a hat to your attire. It has to be pointy, and fairly ugly. No berets for you. Fashionable wizards’ hats can be found in your mom’s closet. If you’re a male, you should grow a beard.
  4. Don’t do anything that you don’t need to do. Now that you have your wand, you don’t really have to do anything. The chores are done for you. Your friends are worthless, as they don’t support your decision to become a wizard. Instead of hanging out with them, sit around a lot, and dream up spells that could mortally wound your friends if they ever decided to backstab you.
  5. Change your décor. Change your carpets to wood and make your color schemes a shade darker than they already are. Expand your home to the size of a castle, complete with turrets, bridges, and moats. Paintings that talk are a nice touch to any living room.
  6. Create potions. Mix some shampoo, soap, orange juice, blended carrots, peroxide and whatever else you can find into a small vial and put a stopper on it. Keep it cool in the refrigerator and offer it to your enemies. Experiment with different mixtures and create a masterpiece, then use it to ward off enemies.
  7. Buy a broom. Brooms are your form of transportation. No matter where you go – in your robe, with your wand, and your pointy hat – you must have a broom between your legs. Fly around the house or the convenience store with it, and knock everything down in your wake. If it doesn’t feel like you’re flying, just walk faster, and if it feels like you’re getting a wedgie, change your underwear.
  8. Go to wizard school after your parents have sufficiently homeschooled you. Meet other cool witches and wizards, go on dates, live a little. As always, networking is important in any situation. The more wizards you know, the further in life you will go.
  9. Get a slave. The best slaves are elves, tiny creatures who are instructed to do your bidding no matter what. Having a slave will ensure that, again, you don’t have to do anything you don’t need to. You can devote more time to potion-making and spell-dreaming.
  10. Believe. If you believe it, it must be true! There – you’re on the path to becoming a bonafide wizard.


  1. Thanks for the suggestions Ally!

    Just a heads-up for anyone looking for a slave, the average price of human chattel is $90 if you buy in Africa ( So with the travel costs that’s less than a thousand dollars up front, and while you would need to spend money on food and water and such for your slave, the cost would be very low. Now, there might be a mark-up on elves since they’re relatively rare, but it would still be worth it for the value you’d be getting.

  2. All very true! House elves, however, have magical powers beyond any wizard’s ability, so they trump. They may be rare, but they’re easy to find! You just have to go to London and find a dwarf. Seriously though, human slavery… not a good idea. ;]

    Also, it’s spelled Allie!

  3. Anonymous · · Reply

    how are you going to find a wizard school


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